As a psychotherapist I learned right away that Truth (with a capital T) is always job one. Clients could be counted on to avoid it. In fact, the point of psychological defenses is to avoid painful truths. The clients counted on me to pursue their truth at all costs. How was I supposed to empathize, build trust and still say, “I don’t believe you.”?
Gretchen came to me telling how she manipulated her previous therapist. He was a nice guy and she suckered him. She was also an exceptionally bright woman. With this intro, I knew to sit back and observe before making any declarations. We were busy reading each other.
In her 40’s, Gretchen had lived a life of dark depression at home and super-achiever tactics at work. She told me the stories of her early life in a chaotic home and punctuated them with outrage. Her anger was certainly justified. On the other hand, what she really wanted was peace and contentment. Was I supposed to tell her, “The truth is, you are upset with yourself.”? She could get that advise by googling.
Therapy is an art form. A singer must read her audience if she is to succeed. I needed to hear what Gretchen was telling me behind her emotional pain. My task was to speak that truth until she could hear it herself.
Luckily, by the time I met Gretchen I was no longer a newbie. I introduced her to the idea of looking through the lens of those around her. What did they see when they looked at her? Then the lens of herself as a confused young child when the world treated her wrong. What was that child unable to see? Out of these exercises she recognized that behind her depression, behind her anger, lay a foundation of shame that had infected the whole family for generations. Knowing that was both sad and freeing. Gretchen finally experienced something fundamental: that she was an okay, understandable person.
That, after all, is what personal truth is all about.
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