A parent’s job must draw on both heart and backbone. Heart is gentle. Backbone holds us erect. We parent in pairs to balance both. When one partner veers too far to heart, the other is on site to engage backbone, and vice versa. A single parent can pick a partner to balance heart and backbone.
I remember one couple who were lost in excess heart together. Lydia, the mom, could not stand to see her son upset, and Lester could not stand to see his wife in tears. Neither said the word No. The family backbone was, in military language, AWOL, Absent Without Leave.
Luckily they were both willing to lean on our family therapy sessions for a temporary spine. They trusted my backbone and my heart. That gave them leeway to cultivate their missing body part. Step by step she learned to say No to the child, while he learned to back her up when she wavered, instead of pitying her.
Lydia and Lester were building a backbone, vertebrae by vertabrae. Their anxious son fought them at first, but soon found he liked a life with No’s in it. Once he had faced his fear of the dark, he began to see himself as a kid with backbone material. The first time he went to a pool party, he found he could be safe in a crowd of people. The second time he even had fun. The boy was building his own vertebrae.
Life and the human body are all about balance. Lydia and Lester both learned to find the balance as individual people and so did their son. In a one-parent family, the heart-backbone balance needs a trusted helper. First, recognize when you are leaning too far to one side; then find the right person to help you re-calibrate. Whether that person is therapist, friend, relative or neighbor, be sure they have both strong heart and solid backbone.
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